I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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