They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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