our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Randomize
