ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
