you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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