My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is the high leading the old right now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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