Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
dude. I can hear the air.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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