I hate all girls vehemently.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
