I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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