so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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