Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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