And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
