people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
