Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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