bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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