her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
