If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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