cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
