My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
