Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
