Tell her she can't have a vagina
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
