Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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