Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
