How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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