i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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