Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
