Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
