so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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