At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Drunk walkin through police station. America
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
