I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
