I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
