He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
