now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
