it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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