You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
