Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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