Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
