who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just sent this text using only my big toe
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
