do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
