I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
