Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
