two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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