I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
