he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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