Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
