seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
