I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
