Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
