Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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