i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
