we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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